Dying to Live

I suppose that dying to self begins the day we receive new life by confessing our belief in Christ. When we believe in our heart and confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord, we are saved and we become a new creature in Christ. Our new life consists of daily dying to self as we grow in our faith and understanding of God and our desire to glorify Him with our life. Many of us do not truly begin to understand this concept. We don't understand the covenant relationship that we have entered into with God. And we don't understand that our life is now hidden in Christ and that the life we now live we live by faith in the Son of God who loved us and gave His life for us. He loved us. We are called to sacrifice as He did because He loved us. This is so counter-intuitive that we can hardly wrap our mind around it. He died because He loved us and we are called to do the same.
I began to understand this a few years ago when Fritz first became ill. It didn't happen voluntarily or without kicking and screaming in protest. But as God began to peel my fingers off of my life using one unthinkable struggle after another, it was only after my fingers were loosed, my hands open, and my fists un-clenched that I began to see that God wanted me to die to self so I could receive the riches of His glory, the spirit of wisdom and revelation so that I might know Him better. The eyes of my heart began to open and I could see and know the hope to which He was calling me; the riches of His glorious inheritance, and his incomparably great power for those who believe. That power is like the working of His mighty strength which He exerted in Christ when He raised him from the dead and seated him at His right hand in the heavenly realm. Ephesians 1:17-20
Dying to self is hard. Really hard.The flesh puts up a good fight! When Fritz first became sick I was so overwhelmed by life. I remember returning from John's Hopkins University Hospital after receiving the news from the Dr. that Fritz had a disease called MSA which was short for YOU WILL DIE. (That's all my brain heard that day.) I came home asking how can I just go on living?! The answer is that I must die too. The kids were in middle school and high school. They were still young enough that none of them could drive. As Fritz's illness worsened he was no longer able to drive either. I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a parent to three busy teen-aged kids who lived very busy lives. The responsibility I felt with my job was very stressful. Fritz's needs were changing quickly and we had to continuously make adjustments to accommodate his physical limitations.  The worst thing was I felt horrible about worrying about myself at all! Fritz is the one who was suffering. What I was going through was nothing compared to all he had to give up. But I had no choice, if I was going to be able to take care of Fritz and our family I had to figure out how I was going to stay alive.  Emotionally I was alone and afraid. Fritz was the one who had been given a terminal diagnosis, but I felt as if I too, was going to die! This is when I began to realize I had to die to self.
This is also when God began teaching me about the patient endurance that John speaks of. I was already running the race, but I had not been willing to follow the author and finisher who is now seated at the right hand of the Father because of His love for me. I had been just running around seeking pleasure. I had to die to self, to everything I held dear to my heart, and allow God to peel my fingers off my life. I had to trust Him. This was a lot easier to say than to really do. When my understanding of this was not merely words in a song or something nice to say; when it was flesh and blood, my husband's flesh and blood, my kids, and my own, it was the hardest thing I have ever been called to do.  I remember going to our pastor to talk. When Pastor Daniel asked me how I was doing I nearly fell apart. I told him I was barely hanging on. Little did I know, that is exactly where God wanted me, barely hanging on. As a matter of fact, God wanted me to completely let go. To trust Him with my life; with my kids, with my husband, my job, my church, my finances; all that I was afraid of, and all that I held dear.
Fritz is no longer struggling. I am no longer struggling. I do know Him better. He is showing me the riches of His glorious inheritance through His faithfulness every day. His strength in me is like the power he exerted when He raised Christ from the dead. Fritz is now resting. I am breathing. God is reminding me every day that I am alive and He is opening my eyes to see the hope to which He is calling me.