June 25, 2011
Isaiah 40:31Buried deep where no one can see. Covered over with six feet of earth. Grass grows. Birds come to sit. Quietly hidden, deep within. Painful times one can hardly bear, laid to rest. Lying still. Jewels tucked inside. Terribly beautiful jewels. The pain is so raw, I cannot bear it. The emotions so strong, it is frightening. Loneliness, heartbreak and fear. My feet are planted. I cannot move. But if I don't, the pain will consume me. Tomorrow threatens to come.
No one truly sees. The world does not know. The world lies. But God does not lie. From the bottom of the sea, inside the belly of a whale, Jonah prayed. "In my distress I called to the LORD and He answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry."
One way or another, I will walk among the living. So I close the door to my heart. Put joy on the outside.
Gather the treasures. The ones that sparkle and the ones that tear me in two. The ones that bring laughter and the ones that bring tears. And when the tears come, gather them too. Don't try to stop them. Let them fall. Feel the pain and lay that too in beside the grief. Grief that doesn't end with the passing of time. Rather the passing of time allows the grief to become part of who I am. Tucked in along with peace and strength. They grow together.
Five years. The world says the time for grief has passed. That I can't grieve and find new happiness at the same time. The world lies. Time is ripped from my hands as days are ripped from the calendar. Pages fly. A day, a week, a year. Time flies. Five is so long and twenty five is way too short. Twenty five years of love and joy, hopes and dreams, success and failure. Twenty five years does not 'nicely fit' into the time the world allows for grief.
So it goes in the box. The treasure chest. Buried. Only to be opened when a memory invites itself. Driving across town, traffic is stopped for a hearst and the procession of loved ones that follow close behind. Suddenly, unexpected, and uninvited. It comes like a waterfall. The weight is heavy. Crushing. It takes me to my knees and I feel it again. I am there in the middle of this ocean and I can't even breathe. I feel it-all of it. I choose to feel it and not push it away. Because that's all that is left. Let it come, remember till it hurts- and never forget.
God sees my heart. He sees the depth of my pain. He hears. He knows. He comes close to my broken heart and heals it. And He promises, "I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, who summons you by name." Is.45:3